Post by AnonymousK on Jul 11, 2017 21:37:56 GMT
Author Note: I incorrectly attributed quotes from the Song Kill Jay Z to the song Fuck Jay Z. I apologize and have edited accordingly
As someone who never really followed Beyoncé’s career in depth, and has really only became a diehard fan, the signs are there. The fact is, abuse does not always look like someone being beaten and bloody and can instead look very normal to people on the outside. Beyonce has been so dehumanized by the media and at times her fans that it is easy to forget that she is a real person and more than a cleverly marketed – if inaccessible – concept people project their own ideas, feelings, and frustrations on. I feel that by taking some of her music at face value, a narrative starts to arrive of a black woman who is conditioned to accept abuse, and rationalizing that abuse to the best of her ability.
I have no delusions that this article will reach Beyoncé or her team, but my hope is that the people who read this will receive this with the love I intended while writing it. You can be abused without ever being hit, and I am going to use the words of Jay Z in 4:44 and their relationship in general to explain how abuse shows up and why that behavior is abusive. I am not a doctor. I’m just a regular degular shmegular ass nigga who has also survived abuse and is very observant. Both Beyonce and you deserve to be loved and supported genuinely. Regardless of how society tries to market and normalize it, abuse is not love.
Image Description: The Cover Art for Jay Z’s new album 4:44. It has 4:44 in black text over a pale orange background.
If you are not yet aware, Jay Z put out an album called 4:44. In it he gives advice and his thoughts and feelings on finances, black capitalism, our oppression as black people, and his growth as a man. His album is also being talked about as a response to Beyoncé’s iconic Lemonade album due to his talking about his infidelity and the emotional strain it took on his wife. In the title track especially he goes uncomfortably in depth, detailing the ways he has harmed her. He told iHeartRadio that “ [The song” 4:44” is] the title track because it’s such a powerful song, and I just believe one of the best songs I’ve ever written.”
I will come back to that statement in a moment, but I want to start by talking about infidelity, or serial non consensual non monogamy. It is abuse. Outright, it is abusive behavior. Abusive relationships are more than just individual instances of abusive behavior and are also about trends and power dynamics. One of the most important books I’ve ever read is called “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. In it he details what is abusive based on his experience working with abusive men in a clinical environment. He also educates on how to notice those trends and free yourself from the trauma of abuse. This book was life-saving for me. Using 4:44 and what we know about Bey and Jay, I want to show you how Jay Z meets all of them.
His version of the abuse is worlds apart from hers.
Literally all of 4:44 is a testament to how differently he perceives the abuse than Beyonce does. If not, why would he only devote one song on his album to it, when Beyonce devoted the entire album plus visuals and subsequent performances to her interpretation of her pain? On the one hand, it is sexist to assume that one song on an album by a man equates to an entire album of by a woman, especially a black woman. On the other, why did he dedicate so little time to the pain he caused his wife? The album is mostly about him, his feelings about things outside of the harm he caused his wife, and the normal bragado we expect from black men on their albums. Lemonade is all about how she was hurt, how that hurt is rooted in her relationship with her father, how that hurt is something a lot of women she knows experienced, and how she has chosen to heal that hurt. Jay Z has never officially commented on Lemonade outside of in 4:44 and even then, barely.
Image Description: A young Beyonce is walking out in public on a crowded street and Jay Z is in the background looking at her. She does not appear to see or notice him.
He gets very jealous, but in other ways he portrays
himself as rational.
From 4:44 – “Said: “Don’t embarrass me,” instead of “Be mine”/That was my proposal for us to go steady/ That was your 21st birthday, you mature faster than me/I wasn’t ready, so I apologize”.
From Kill Jay Z – “Fuck Jay Z, I mean, you shot your own brother/How can we know if we can trust Jay Z? … You stabbed Un over some records/Your excuse was “He was talkin’ too reckless!”
Glossing over how problematic and controlling it is for a man in his 30s to tell a 21 year old celebrating her entrance to adulthood to not embarrass him instead of actually asking her to be his partner, could you imagine how scared she might have been? To have a man much older and bigger than you call you to remind you whose you were, while also knowing that that man has a history of violence and feels comfortable talking about it casually? Sometimes violent men do not even have to do violent things, they just need to know that you know that they can do them. Even if Beyonce as an individual was not scared or concerned and thought that what Jay Z did was romantic or good does not change that it wasn’t. Unhealthy jealousy and fearing any perceived threat of violence or retaliation is not love.
During some instances he seems to lose control, but during
others his controlling tactics seem calculated.
From 4:44 – “I harass you out in Paris / …I’ve seen the innocence leave your eyes/I still mourn this death, I apologize for all the stillborns/’Cause I wasn’t present, your body wouldn’t accept it/I apologize to all the women whom I/Toyed with you emotions because I was emotionless / … What good is a ménage à trois when you have a soulmate?”
Although Jay Z is trying to frame 4:44 as an emotional song that came to him abruptly in his sleep, I do not believe that. He sees the abuse in a way that is very self-centered and talks about it in a very detailed way. This contrasts with how Beyonce talks about it in Lemonade, as she is a private person and is very particular about what of her life is available for public consumption. Although it can be argued that it is good for him to come clean, it can also be argued that he still is taking jabs at her by ensuring that her business is out there in a way that is in contrast with how we know her to be. This is a way for abusers to maintain control of the narrative around their abuse. If they have to come clean, how can they come clean in a way that still hurts you? I knew someone who broke up with their abusive ex and instead of leaving them alone as they requested, they called their father and shared that they had been raped multiple times, under the guise of being concerned for their mental health. In the same way that that abuser decided to share intimate details of their trauma to people my friend did not want that trauma shared to, it can be argued that Jay Z is sharing details of their home life and experiences.
Image Description: Jay Z and Beyoncé leaving the Met Gala after the infamous elevator fight. Does this look like the face of a man who egged someone on, on purpose?
He succeeds in getting people to take his side against hers.
From Kill Jay Z – “You egged Solange on/Knowin’ all along, all you had to say you was wrong”
His instances of violence with his close friends and family is a problem in and of itself, but admitting that he egged on Solange on purpose? This is incredibly important because of the way that the media reacted to the elevator incident. As a source expressed in US Weekly, “Solange flipped out over something Jay had said, that she took the wrong way. She took it too hard or too far. Not sure what it was, but she greatly overreacted.” If Jay Z orchestrated that incident on purpose, we can assume that he knew that the tape would get out and that the media would label Solange as crazy. Not only is this hurtful to Beyonce, who clearly loves her privacy and her sister, but it also creates an environment where Beyonce is left unsupported. I can not imagine how it felt for her to know that any instance where someone truly loves her enough to protect her would leave her would-be-protector discredited in the media, and their protection fodder for parodies. Alienating someone from their support system and creating a space where their support is ridiculed is violent, and very calculated.
Image Description: Beyoncé after performing Love On Top and announcing her pregnancy in 2011
Sometimes it seems like he’s really changing, but other times the
changes seem to vanish.
From Beyonce’s Love on Top – “Now everybody ask me why I’m smiling out from ear to ear (They say love hurts) / But I know (it’s gonna take the real work) / Nothing’s perfect but it’s worth it / After fighting through my tears and finally you put me first”
From Beyonce’s Jealous – I never broke one promise, and I know when you’re not honest / Now you got me yelling that’s because I’m jealous / … I take one look in the mirror and I say to myself / Baby girl you can’t survive like this no”
From Beyonce’s All Night – “Our love was stronger than your pride / Beyond your darkness, I’m your light /… But my love’s too pure to watch it chip away / Oh nothing real can be threatened / True love breathes salvation back into me / With every tear came redemption / And my torturer became my remedy”
These songs came out in 2011, 2013, and in 2016 respectively. One of the common threads of Beyonce’s music is that she is dealing with infidelity and gaslighting and that she is finally being chosen. It is easy to say that these songs are just songs, or that her albums follow a formula to ensure they sell but I think that is disingenuous at best and dehumanizing at worst. Beyonce is Beyonce. She can write about anything and it will probably sell. Why wouldn’t she write about her own experiences? What is unfortunate is that her experiences can be interpreted as her being in a relationship with a person who is inconsistent at best and abusive at worst. Who will hurt her deeply and then love her and say what they need to say to pacify her before hurting her again. It is a cycle that can be hard to recognize when you are in it, but it is a cycle that Beyonce deserves to be free of.
Bancroft goes even farther and creates different generalized archetypes of abusive people. Based on my reading of this book, my experiences and that of my friends, as well as a bunch of celebrity gossip on the internet, I think that Jay Z fits the archetype of “The Player”, “The Water Torturer” and “Mr Sensitive”. This is due to his admitted cheating, the fact that he can be interpreted as bringing up his past as an excuse for his present behavior, and reports of arguments in relatively public places where she is angry and he remains cool calm and collected. You would think that being that relaxed when your partner is that angry would be a good thing, and it can be, but not all the time. If your partner harms you, and then when you confront them about that harm they act like it isn’t a big deal, or act like you are being crazy and irrational for feeling hurt then that is gaslighting and that is abuse.
Image Description: A tween by @lightsplease___. The text says “How women on the TL reacting to the fact that Jay Z “finally grew up” at 47 vs. how men reacting”. The first image is a black woman with a disgusted face and the second is an image of Louis Farrakhan beaming proudly.
The fact is, Beyoncé and Jay Z started dating when she was around 19. He was her second boyfriend, after her first cheated on her. Although age gaps are not inherently abusive, they are a red flag when the younger partner is under the age of 25. Not only did Beyoncé not get the chance to truly exist as an individual learning about her likes, dislikes and her expectations from a partner before being partnered, but she also is already over a decade into a relationship that is clearly causing her harm. As I listened to 4:44 I was reminded of this other 19 year old I knew in a relationship I saw as abusive with a man much older than her. He literally said it took him having a daughter, at almost 50, for him to grow up and realize that what he was doing was harmful. As a survivor and as someone who knows a lot of other people who have also experienced or are currently experiencing abuse, it made me sick to my stomach to think of all the ways in which this violence would be normalized by the media, and how that would specifically harm black girls who are already at high risk for experiencing abuse.
Beyoncé is a powerhouse and a perfectionist. She is a strong black woman who comes from a long line of strong black women but that does not mean that she can not be manipulated or taken advantage of. And I could be wrong! Everything I’m saying could be rationalized away or be disproved with further evidence or could even actually be innocent. I only know what they show me. But what they show us is at the very least unhealthy and unsafe.
Image Description: A cracked.com meme of Beyonce’s promo for her song “Drunk in Love ft Jay Z”. The text says “I’m Ike, Turner, Turn Up/ Baby Ni I don’t play/ Now eat the cake anna mae/ I said eat the cake Anna Mae – Jay Z. While Beyonce’s part of the song is about having sloppy drunk sex, Jay Z’s cameo takes a dark turn when he refers to himself as Ike Turner, who famously abused his wife Tina Turner for years. He even refers to a specific scene in Tina’s biography, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”, where Ike shoves cake in Tina’s face then slaps her in a crowded restaurant”.
It is our job as fans and as supporters and as People With A Conscious that we do not allow this abuse to go unchecked or normalized. Do not let people or the media write this off as the Beyhive being “crazy black women” or black women trying to keep a black man from sharing his knowledge with black people. I believe in the duality of man. What Jay Z is saying can possibly be objectively right, but that does not also mean he isn’t abusive, or wasn’t abusive in the past. This is abusive in the same way that Chris Brown is abusive. Or R Kelly. Or Bill Cosby. Or that creep in his late 20s who hangs out at high schools and is “dating” a 15 year old. Or any other man who leverages his popularity and money and mystique to draw women in and break them. It is so important that even if Beyoncé does not chose to leave Jay Z that we still clearly tell the young black girls and black women in general that this is not okay and that they deserve better.
Real love does not hurt. And it definitely does not stress you to the point of multiple still born babies.
Please consider supporting my work and livelihood by donating to me 🙂
Paypal: Paypal.me/CatherineImani –
Venmo: @catherine-Imani –
Square Cash: $CatherineImani
If you or someone you know is in an Abusive Relationship please do not hesitate to reach out for support.
Do you think you are being abused? Checklist
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
As someone who never really followed Beyoncé’s career in depth, and has really only became a diehard fan, the signs are there. The fact is, abuse does not always look like someone being beaten and bloody and can instead look very normal to people on the outside. Beyonce has been so dehumanized by the media and at times her fans that it is easy to forget that she is a real person and more than a cleverly marketed – if inaccessible – concept people project their own ideas, feelings, and frustrations on. I feel that by taking some of her music at face value, a narrative starts to arrive of a black woman who is conditioned to accept abuse, and rationalizing that abuse to the best of her ability.
I have no delusions that this article will reach Beyoncé or her team, but my hope is that the people who read this will receive this with the love I intended while writing it. You can be abused without ever being hit, and I am going to use the words of Jay Z in 4:44 and their relationship in general to explain how abuse shows up and why that behavior is abusive. I am not a doctor. I’m just a regular degular shmegular ass nigga who has also survived abuse and is very observant. Both Beyonce and you deserve to be loved and supported genuinely. Regardless of how society tries to market and normalize it, abuse is not love.
Image Description: The Cover Art for Jay Z’s new album 4:44. It has 4:44 in black text over a pale orange background.
If you are not yet aware, Jay Z put out an album called 4:44. In it he gives advice and his thoughts and feelings on finances, black capitalism, our oppression as black people, and his growth as a man. His album is also being talked about as a response to Beyoncé’s iconic Lemonade album due to his talking about his infidelity and the emotional strain it took on his wife. In the title track especially he goes uncomfortably in depth, detailing the ways he has harmed her. He told iHeartRadio that “ [The song” 4:44” is] the title track because it’s such a powerful song, and I just believe one of the best songs I’ve ever written.”
I will come back to that statement in a moment, but I want to start by talking about infidelity, or serial non consensual non monogamy. It is abuse. Outright, it is abusive behavior. Abusive relationships are more than just individual instances of abusive behavior and are also about trends and power dynamics. One of the most important books I’ve ever read is called “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. In it he details what is abusive based on his experience working with abusive men in a clinical environment. He also educates on how to notice those trends and free yourself from the trauma of abuse. This book was life-saving for me. Using 4:44 and what we know about Bey and Jay, I want to show you how Jay Z meets all of them.
His version of the abuse is worlds apart from hers.
Literally all of 4:44 is a testament to how differently he perceives the abuse than Beyonce does. If not, why would he only devote one song on his album to it, when Beyonce devoted the entire album plus visuals and subsequent performances to her interpretation of her pain? On the one hand, it is sexist to assume that one song on an album by a man equates to an entire album of by a woman, especially a black woman. On the other, why did he dedicate so little time to the pain he caused his wife? The album is mostly about him, his feelings about things outside of the harm he caused his wife, and the normal bragado we expect from black men on their albums. Lemonade is all about how she was hurt, how that hurt is rooted in her relationship with her father, how that hurt is something a lot of women she knows experienced, and how she has chosen to heal that hurt. Jay Z has never officially commented on Lemonade outside of in 4:44 and even then, barely.
Image Description: A young Beyonce is walking out in public on a crowded street and Jay Z is in the background looking at her. She does not appear to see or notice him.
He gets very jealous, but in other ways he portrays
himself as rational.
From 4:44 – “Said: “Don’t embarrass me,” instead of “Be mine”/That was my proposal for us to go steady/ That was your 21st birthday, you mature faster than me/I wasn’t ready, so I apologize”.
From Kill Jay Z – “Fuck Jay Z, I mean, you shot your own brother/How can we know if we can trust Jay Z? … You stabbed Un over some records/Your excuse was “He was talkin’ too reckless!”
Glossing over how problematic and controlling it is for a man in his 30s to tell a 21 year old celebrating her entrance to adulthood to not embarrass him instead of actually asking her to be his partner, could you imagine how scared she might have been? To have a man much older and bigger than you call you to remind you whose you were, while also knowing that that man has a history of violence and feels comfortable talking about it casually? Sometimes violent men do not even have to do violent things, they just need to know that you know that they can do them. Even if Beyonce as an individual was not scared or concerned and thought that what Jay Z did was romantic or good does not change that it wasn’t. Unhealthy jealousy and fearing any perceived threat of violence or retaliation is not love.
During some instances he seems to lose control, but during
others his controlling tactics seem calculated.
From 4:44 – “I harass you out in Paris / …I’ve seen the innocence leave your eyes/I still mourn this death, I apologize for all the stillborns/’Cause I wasn’t present, your body wouldn’t accept it/I apologize to all the women whom I/Toyed with you emotions because I was emotionless / … What good is a ménage à trois when you have a soulmate?”
Although Jay Z is trying to frame 4:44 as an emotional song that came to him abruptly in his sleep, I do not believe that. He sees the abuse in a way that is very self-centered and talks about it in a very detailed way. This contrasts with how Beyonce talks about it in Lemonade, as she is a private person and is very particular about what of her life is available for public consumption. Although it can be argued that it is good for him to come clean, it can also be argued that he still is taking jabs at her by ensuring that her business is out there in a way that is in contrast with how we know her to be. This is a way for abusers to maintain control of the narrative around their abuse. If they have to come clean, how can they come clean in a way that still hurts you? I knew someone who broke up with their abusive ex and instead of leaving them alone as they requested, they called their father and shared that they had been raped multiple times, under the guise of being concerned for their mental health. In the same way that that abuser decided to share intimate details of their trauma to people my friend did not want that trauma shared to, it can be argued that Jay Z is sharing details of their home life and experiences.
Image Description: Jay Z and Beyoncé leaving the Met Gala after the infamous elevator fight. Does this look like the face of a man who egged someone on, on purpose?
He succeeds in getting people to take his side against hers.
From Kill Jay Z – “You egged Solange on/Knowin’ all along, all you had to say you was wrong”
His instances of violence with his close friends and family is a problem in and of itself, but admitting that he egged on Solange on purpose? This is incredibly important because of the way that the media reacted to the elevator incident. As a source expressed in US Weekly, “Solange flipped out over something Jay had said, that she took the wrong way. She took it too hard or too far. Not sure what it was, but she greatly overreacted.” If Jay Z orchestrated that incident on purpose, we can assume that he knew that the tape would get out and that the media would label Solange as crazy. Not only is this hurtful to Beyonce, who clearly loves her privacy and her sister, but it also creates an environment where Beyonce is left unsupported. I can not imagine how it felt for her to know that any instance where someone truly loves her enough to protect her would leave her would-be-protector discredited in the media, and their protection fodder for parodies. Alienating someone from their support system and creating a space where their support is ridiculed is violent, and very calculated.
Image Description: Beyoncé after performing Love On Top and announcing her pregnancy in 2011
Sometimes it seems like he’s really changing, but other times the
changes seem to vanish.
From Beyonce’s Love on Top – “Now everybody ask me why I’m smiling out from ear to ear (They say love hurts) / But I know (it’s gonna take the real work) / Nothing’s perfect but it’s worth it / After fighting through my tears and finally you put me first”
From Beyonce’s Jealous – I never broke one promise, and I know when you’re not honest / Now you got me yelling that’s because I’m jealous / … I take one look in the mirror and I say to myself / Baby girl you can’t survive like this no”
From Beyonce’s All Night – “Our love was stronger than your pride / Beyond your darkness, I’m your light /… But my love’s too pure to watch it chip away / Oh nothing real can be threatened / True love breathes salvation back into me / With every tear came redemption / And my torturer became my remedy”
These songs came out in 2011, 2013, and in 2016 respectively. One of the common threads of Beyonce’s music is that she is dealing with infidelity and gaslighting and that she is finally being chosen. It is easy to say that these songs are just songs, or that her albums follow a formula to ensure they sell but I think that is disingenuous at best and dehumanizing at worst. Beyonce is Beyonce. She can write about anything and it will probably sell. Why wouldn’t she write about her own experiences? What is unfortunate is that her experiences can be interpreted as her being in a relationship with a person who is inconsistent at best and abusive at worst. Who will hurt her deeply and then love her and say what they need to say to pacify her before hurting her again. It is a cycle that can be hard to recognize when you are in it, but it is a cycle that Beyonce deserves to be free of.
Bancroft goes even farther and creates different generalized archetypes of abusive people. Based on my reading of this book, my experiences and that of my friends, as well as a bunch of celebrity gossip on the internet, I think that Jay Z fits the archetype of “The Player”, “The Water Torturer” and “Mr Sensitive”. This is due to his admitted cheating, the fact that he can be interpreted as bringing up his past as an excuse for his present behavior, and reports of arguments in relatively public places where she is angry and he remains cool calm and collected. You would think that being that relaxed when your partner is that angry would be a good thing, and it can be, but not all the time. If your partner harms you, and then when you confront them about that harm they act like it isn’t a big deal, or act like you are being crazy and irrational for feeling hurt then that is gaslighting and that is abuse.
Image Description: A tween by @lightsplease___. The text says “How women on the TL reacting to the fact that Jay Z “finally grew up” at 47 vs. how men reacting”. The first image is a black woman with a disgusted face and the second is an image of Louis Farrakhan beaming proudly.
The fact is, Beyoncé and Jay Z started dating when she was around 19. He was her second boyfriend, after her first cheated on her. Although age gaps are not inherently abusive, they are a red flag when the younger partner is under the age of 25. Not only did Beyoncé not get the chance to truly exist as an individual learning about her likes, dislikes and her expectations from a partner before being partnered, but she also is already over a decade into a relationship that is clearly causing her harm. As I listened to 4:44 I was reminded of this other 19 year old I knew in a relationship I saw as abusive with a man much older than her. He literally said it took him having a daughter, at almost 50, for him to grow up and realize that what he was doing was harmful. As a survivor and as someone who knows a lot of other people who have also experienced or are currently experiencing abuse, it made me sick to my stomach to think of all the ways in which this violence would be normalized by the media, and how that would specifically harm black girls who are already at high risk for experiencing abuse.
Beyoncé is a powerhouse and a perfectionist. She is a strong black woman who comes from a long line of strong black women but that does not mean that she can not be manipulated or taken advantage of. And I could be wrong! Everything I’m saying could be rationalized away or be disproved with further evidence or could even actually be innocent. I only know what they show me. But what they show us is at the very least unhealthy and unsafe.
Image Description: A cracked.com meme of Beyonce’s promo for her song “Drunk in Love ft Jay Z”. The text says “I’m Ike, Turner, Turn Up/ Baby Ni I don’t play/ Now eat the cake anna mae/ I said eat the cake Anna Mae – Jay Z. While Beyonce’s part of the song is about having sloppy drunk sex, Jay Z’s cameo takes a dark turn when he refers to himself as Ike Turner, who famously abused his wife Tina Turner for years. He even refers to a specific scene in Tina’s biography, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”, where Ike shoves cake in Tina’s face then slaps her in a crowded restaurant”.
It is our job as fans and as supporters and as People With A Conscious that we do not allow this abuse to go unchecked or normalized. Do not let people or the media write this off as the Beyhive being “crazy black women” or black women trying to keep a black man from sharing his knowledge with black people. I believe in the duality of man. What Jay Z is saying can possibly be objectively right, but that does not also mean he isn’t abusive, or wasn’t abusive in the past. This is abusive in the same way that Chris Brown is abusive. Or R Kelly. Or Bill Cosby. Or that creep in his late 20s who hangs out at high schools and is “dating” a 15 year old. Or any other man who leverages his popularity and money and mystique to draw women in and break them. It is so important that even if Beyoncé does not chose to leave Jay Z that we still clearly tell the young black girls and black women in general that this is not okay and that they deserve better.
Real love does not hurt. And it definitely does not stress you to the point of multiple still born babies.
Please consider supporting my work and livelihood by donating to me 🙂
Paypal: Paypal.me/CatherineImani –
Venmo: @catherine-Imani –
Square Cash: $CatherineImani
If you or someone you know is in an Abusive Relationship please do not hesitate to reach out for support.
Do you think you are being abused? Checklist
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Here is the link for the original article.
Discuss.
